UNLOVABLE

I was holding a public group reading event one evening in the spring of 2010 when I met a man named Jared. He was an attendee that evening hoping to connect with a loved one in spirit,  and by good fortune his departed grandmother  bestowed on Jared, a message so sweet and endearing yet had multitudes of hidden clues and deeper meanings than either of us realized at that moment in time.

Days before the group reading I prepared for what would be my largest showing with well over 50 people in the room. Everyone was aware that only some would leave with having a reading experience, and through those connections I create a teachable moment where I explain how spirit is working through me, and how to deeper connect with their loved ones in spirit through these  beautiful examples.

From the back of the room I watched everyone arrive and find their seats. I could feel the mix of emotions, everything from excitement to nervousness, not knowing what to expect but gladly being there to witness this unique event. I did my usual scanning of the room to get a sense of the spirits who were filling the auditorium. I could see some as transclucent figures standing behind, or at their loved one's side. I saw lots of globe like orbs darting through the audience. Some were red, some were green, and some were pure white. I recall seeing flashes of light like lightning bolting through the room in an array of different colors moving between unknowing audience members as they quietly chat amongst themselves. I started the event by sharing with everyone exactly what I was seeing. I explained that the colors represent where they are emotionally on their journey as spirits. I used the color red as an example, the red being the fiery, creative energy of those who lived life to the fullest, took risks, not afraid of failure. Those who tended to be passionate about their beliefs, very loyal, and carried a passion for their friends and family. They have now continued on in the spirit world with the same personality they had in physical life.

So that topic opened the door for a number of beautiful connections from the spirit world that evening. Everyone was enjoying the event, both, spirits and humans, and the energy in the room was very high and light filled. That is  until a spirit led me directly to Jared. A man sitting in the front row to the far left of the room who never spoke, never looked up for a moment until I stepped in front of his chair. He was a man in his early 40's wearing a very new looking  plaid button down shirt, blue jeans and weathered cowboy boots.

I shared with him, that I have a very persistent woman in spirit urging me to bring the two of you together. "She's a lovely soul. One of the fiery souls we were talking about earlier. She's determined to talk to you and  she won't take no for an answer. " I heard the giggles in the audience as everyone thought it was so endearing for her to be so pushy.

Jared lifted his head for a quick moment and I saw intrigue in his amber brown eyes. I remember saying to the woman in spirit, "We got "em!' And that was the green light she needed to step into my energy field and have our energies become one. I could now hear her clearly, and deeply feel her emotions.

"I feel like I have a grandmother energy with us although she is referring to you as her boy. She's making me feel like she was Mom. She's telling me that this is how she wanted it . She wanted to be Mom to you. You were her world! And do you have kids? A boy and a girl?Because she watches over them too. And she adores you wife. She's sent you a dog about two years ago. If that makes sense.. All I can tell you is she's showing me a dog who looks like a German Shepherd and taking credit for sending the dog your way.."

Everyone in the room was so fixed on Jared's story that you could hear a pin drop.

Finally a light chuckle.. And then he spoke.

"You're connecting with my Grandmother, and yes she was like a mother to me. I was lucky to have her. We were very close. And yes I have one son and one daughter who never got to meet her and I always hoped that my Grandmother could somehow know that I have a family of my own now. That would be really important to her. And the dog.. That's just amazing. That blew me away! As a child I found a stray dog. He was some sort of German Shepherd mix and he followed me home from school one day. At first I hung up fliers and tried to find the owner but by day three I was way too attached to ever let him go . He was my best bud. We did everything together. I never walked out the door without him. You see the big green truck out there.. as Jared pointed out the window closest to him. Do you see the head and the big pointy ears in the passenger seat.. That's Buck jr. Two years ago I was leaving the grocery store and a German Shepherd with no tags came around the corner of the building in a in a slow run, catching up with me and walking at my side as if he was waiting for me. Like we knew each other forever. It was crazy. I opened my truck door and he jumped in as if we;ve done this routine a hundred times. He jumped in the passenger seat and looked straight ahead out he front windshield. He glanced at me quickly, wagging his tail, and then back to the windshield like, "Hey, let's get going Dad! " So I took him home, put up the flyers, three days later tore down the fliers and know I have a new best friend. For some reason I just knew that he was meant to be my dog. And now my Grandmother just confirmed that."

Oh my God, there were happy tears throughout the entire audience! Everyone was so touched by buck the dog and Jared's Grandma that no one even cared if they got a reading that night, or if anyone else by that matter,  received a reading  that night . Buck took the spotlight as he should! I asked Jared if Buck could come inside and meet us, and Jared was more than happy to oblige. Buck trotted in the door and everyone got out of their seats swooning over him, as he moved through one row at a time like a rock star! Meeting and greeting every person in the room with his sweet energy and then returning back to Jared's side. Buck remained with us for the rest of the evening with his front row seat. 

I continued with Jared's reading. His Grandmother, as cute as she was, let me know that she wasn't finished. She had more to say. In that moment the strangest thing happened. I suddenly felt a chill run down my back, and this was not a good chill. I felt the sense of dread, and a sudden surge of danger. It was a very "Fight or flight" feeling. But where was it coming from?  And as fast as it came over me, it was suddenly completely gone. Vanished. Not a trace of anything fearful in the energy of the room. So I stayed aware of the experience but returned back to Jared as his Grandmother was waiting impatiently to finish her thoughts. I could feel her nudging me forward.. Literally pushing on my back for me to move closer to Jared and start talking. What a character she was. And obviously an incredible force of love in Jared's childhood. I loved being her energy. She had nothing but unconditional love for Jared. What a blessing to have that soul relationship. 

"Jared your Grandma isn't finished with you yet. She's mentioning a spirit who's new to the other side.This is someone who desperately wants to connect with you."

Jared sat stone-faced while he awaited to hear what would be coming next. 

"I have another female spirit and she is claiming to be Mom. I feel the intensity of the love she has for you. She's thanking you for helping her pass. She was holding on, not ready to leave you, then she let go very quickly. She's crediting you for helping her peacefully move on. She pulls me to the two of you being apart for a long time and now back together again. She is definitely Mom,  she's making that clear to me. She also makes me feel the love and connection the two of you had in life. That the two of you were complete when she passed".

"I'm gonna stop you right there." Jared, with one hand in the air signaling for me not to push any further. Emotionless, Jared stared directly into my eyes and said, "I don't know who you're connecting with but that is not my Mom. No. There is nothing that you're sharing that sounds like my Mom and our relationship. Not at all." Shaking his head, now furiously. What went from such a beautiful reunion with his Grandmother has now taken an ugly turn and i have to figure out how things got so derailed. I sat with this spirit and asked her again to please validate who she is. Afterall I'm responsible for the safety of everyone in the room and it's my job to positively know every spirit in the room and their intentions. She gave me the same answers as before. Nothing new. Nothing different. I told her that Jared does not recognize this as their relationship together. So now I have a man whose energy has shifted 360 on me and is now in disbelief of  the reading, including the beautiful connection between him and his Grandmother. In that moment when nothing connected for him, I could see the disbelief wash over his face. I could feel his sudden distrust in me which ultimately means distrust in the process. I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving the event  feeling distraught and deflated.  As if he was taken on an emotional roller coaster ride only to discover that the journey he was desperately in need of took a turn he didn't see coming. That it was all for not.

So I now find myself in a predicament. I have a man who's lost faith, a spirit mom with all  the wrong answers, a fiery spirit Grandma who suddenly went quiet on me, and an audience of people staring at me, waiting on pins and needles to hear what happens next. I shot a look at Buck and telepathically asked him if we could trade places and I could go hide out in his seat in the truck right now.. Buck was not amused. 

So I did what I always do in a situation like this. I return back to the moment of disconnect. In this situation Jared and his mom have very different views of their relationship together in physical life. I feel that Jared is searching for some answers, and being in spirit, his mom would have those answers. So I need to put more pressure on his mom, who by the way i have no doubt that we actually have been communicating with his mom this entire time. If i had any doubt I would have shut down this process right away.

I asked his mom to show me life memories they had together. She gave me nothing. I asked her to take me back to a happy time in their lives together. Still nothing.. Then I got serious with her. I told her that her son needs her right now and it's time for her to step up and be a mom.

"What is it that you're withholding from him?"

"Why won't you talk to your son "

And suddenly that dark feeling of dread returned. It was her. I felt it in her energy. And now I feel it even stronger. Her energy is heavy, almost solid, with the deepest emotions of fear emanating from her form. Sadness, sorrow.. REGRET.  

Now we're getting somewhere.. 

I finally broke the silence and started talking. " I believe that we do have your mom with us and every time I ask her a question about your life together she shows me nothing. Every time I ask her to share a fun life memory she goes quiet. "

"That's because there were no fun life memories, isn't that right mom!?"

Jared blurted unexpectedly.

"There were no happy times, no great moments between us. My mom hated me.. And to this day I don't know why."

I felt her spirit shrink and step back from me.

"And as for her expressing so much love for me, where was the love when you were alive mom!? How come you could love my sister and my brother but not me mom!?"

"Jared I can tell you that now in spirit she's aware of the way she treated you and she does have regret over it . It doesn't change things, it doesn't make it any better, but I want you to know that she's living the pain that she's caused you. She makes me feel like she had hope at the end of her life that things would be good between the two of you."

"She didn't wanna  make amends. It was all B.S. just to make herself feel better. My mom treated me like dirt all my life. Our Dad died young, and she became a single mom with the help of my grandmother. I understand that could change a person but the only one she took her bad days out on was me."

Jared went on to share shamelessly about the mental and emotional abuse as the whole crowd heard the harrowing stories of his mom punishing him by not allowing him to eat for a full day. And punish him for what? Well, Jared was responsible for almost all of the chores in the house, and while he was working his brother and sister enjoyed horseback riding lessons, birthday parties, Christmas gifts, and Jared wasn't allowed any of this. He didn't even have a room to sleep in as his siblings did. And come time for school clothes shopping he would have to wear his clothes from years past, no matter how much he;d outgrown him.

Everyone in the room were wide eyed with jaws dropped, some wiping tears away with kleenex. And Jared continued..

"And thanks to my grandmother who eventually saw what was going on and she actually sold her home to be close to us. She had it out with my mom and from that day forward I stayed with my Grandmother who gave me a great life. She was an amazing lady. If it wasn't for her I don't know how I would've survived. I only have one question for my mom. Other than that I don't want anything from her. I never did. Mom, I was a good kid. I didn't get in any trouble, I got decent grades in school, I did everything you demanded from me, i just don't understand .. Why was I so Unlovable..? I just wanted that one answer,, And I know I'll never get it. What made me so impossible to love..?

At this point his mom had stepped away from me realizing the damage she had caused could possibly be irreversible. She was hopeful they would have an opportunity to heal their relationship now that she's in the light. I shared this with Jared.

"Let me tell you something about my mom and healing our relationship. I was 25 when my grandmother died. I took care of her until her last breath, then I moved as far away as I possibly could from my mother. I was raised in Illinois and moved to the coast of California where i landed a job in San jose and eventually bought a house in the Santa Cruz Mountains and had a family of my own . I stayed in contact with my siblings but as far as my mother, I never looked back. I hadn't tried to reach out to her for almost twenty years. Then one day I get a call from my Mother. She's on her death bed. She couldn't let go and move on until she apologized to me for everything she's done. She wanted my forgiveness. I couldn't believe it.. Now this woman wants to apologize to me? And conveniently get my forgiveness so she could leave this world with a clear conscious that she hasn't earned. And believe it or not I did it. I gave her my forgiveness. I thought maybe it would help me to let go of it as well. But instead of feeling better I actually regret giving her that easy way out. Somehow I feel like I cheated myself by not honoring my spirit and my worth. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't give away that part of me. She wanted it for all the wrong reasons. Not to actually better our relationship. If that was the case she would have stepped up a long time ago. No this was her looking out for her once again. If you do wrong to people you owe it to yourself and others to fix it. If you wait until your dying day, you're not really creating change, you're just opening up old wounds without any intention of healing them."

WOW!! What a heavy and powerful evening this event shaped up to be. Everyone left with quite an education and lots to ponder.

I had to do something I had never done before. For all of my years devoted to helping people remain connected to their loved ones, i had to tell Jared on this particular evening that because his mom could not give him the answer to that question, he needs to shut the door on this relationship. That she will need to work this out on the other side to understand it herself. Her progress in spirit will remain stagnant until she genuinely looks at herself and begins to karmically balance the life that she just led. She won't move forward in spirit until she does the work, therefore she can be no help to you at this point. I watched his mom fade in and out 

as I spoke those words. She felt the energy of her son in agreement with mine and in that moment she she completely faded away along with the heavy energy she was carrying with her.There's no beginning and no end to the energy of life, so who knows what lies ahead of them in this ever evolving universe. One thing for sure, he has his Wonderful, fiery Granmother in spirit who will always be a force of love in his life. 

So now I pose the question for you to ponder.. What would you do if you were Jared? Would you offer someone forgiveness as their last wish, whether they've earned it or not? Or would you honor your  feelings and deny the forgiveness?

Without a doubt there's no easy answer here. I believe in life there is a meaning and purpose in everything we experience. I believe that in the toughest of certain circumstances where we feel abused in some way by others, that we are meant to be teachers and they are meant to be students receiving the lesson long before the lesson reaches a damaging level. If we can acheive this together then it's a spiritual growth for both of us. If not then we both take the loss. There are no winners here. Beyond all of the terrible things Jared's Mother has done to him, I do believe that he will heal through the intention of a life well lived and a family bond much separate from his own experience. Jared is taking the past darkness and filling the present and future for his family with light. And above all else that's what we're here to do!

I wish Jared and his family the brightest life possible, and of course my friend Buck as well!